FUNNY EMAIL MESSAGES

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties. 
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. 
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." 
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" 
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "La st night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. 
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." 
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? 

Hospital regulations in the USA require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. Duri ng a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. 
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." 
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" 
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. 
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?" 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" 
"Yep!" 
"Do I know her?" 
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?" 
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?" 
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?" 
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" 
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" 
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ." 

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." 
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty." 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" 
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" 
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and p ulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" 
"No," he replied, "Arthritis." 
 
 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She said, "Hardly worth going home, is it? 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." 

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the pastor exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. 

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference. 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!