FUNNY EMAIL MESSAGES

The Convict 



A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young couple in bed. 
He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the Bed,the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets Up and goes into the bathroom.  
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't Resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him No matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very Dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you!'  
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering In my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.  
Be strong. I love you, too!'

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches 

I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." 


"No more headaches?" the husband asks,"What happened?" 

His wife replies,"Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to 

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat , 

I do not have a headache; 

I do not have a headache, 

I do not have a headache.'

 

"It worked! The headaches are all gone." 

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of 

fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the 

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" 

 

The husband agrees to try it. 

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his 

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts 

her On the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and 

jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. 

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." 

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even 

Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is 

spinning. 


Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." 

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. 


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, 

she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 

 

She's not my wife. 

She's not my wife. 

She's not my wife!" 

 

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, 
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: 
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
 
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why some wives treat the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "Wow! This stuff really Works!"
 
 
-- Shared by Oscar Apostol