FUNNY EMAIL MESSAGES

There was this good old barber in a city in the United States . One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he wanted to pay the barber but the barber replied, "I don't accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The florist was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

The following day, a policeman went for a haircut and he also wanted to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied, "I don't accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The cop was happy and left the barbershop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there is a "thank you" card and a dozen freshly baked donuts waiting at his door.

On the third day, a Filipino software engineer went for a haircut. He also wanted to pay the barber. But the barber also replied," I'm sorry. I don't accept money from you. I'm doing community service." The Filipino software engineer was happy and left.

The following morning when the barber opened his shop, he had a big surprise! Guess what he found!


* * * * Can you guess?....

* * * * Do you know the answer yet?....

* * * * Come on, think like a Filipino....

* * * * O, sirit ka na ba?


There were a dozen FILIPINOS waiting for free
haircuts ! ! ! ! ! !

PINOY NGA NAMAN!!!!

Note: All jokes in this particular post is written in the Filipino language.

Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??

Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae
Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??
Lola: 93 anyos.
Pari: tingnan nyo si lola.. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! < /SPAN>Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit???
Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!! !

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
Atty: Ano?? idedemanda mo boss mo ng sexual harrassment! !! dahil lang sa sinabihan kang mabango ang buhok mo!!!ano masama dun???
Girl: your honor, UNANO!!! ang boss ko.. UNANO!!! 
(patok 'tong joke na 'to....UNANO ba naman....cguro kung MIDGET ung boss hindi magrereklamo Girl....hehehe! !!)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


Anak: tay penge pera, bili ako ng sucherya!!!
Tatay: umayos ka nga!!! kakahiya ka!! baka may makarinig. hindi sucherya tawag dun...
Anak: ano po??
Tatay: JUMPFUDS!!!

------------ --------- ----

JUAN; Tay ! Penge P20 bibili ako ng de lata.
TATAY: Anak, mga taga bukid lang ang gumagamit ng term na de lata! Englisin mo yan!
JUAN: Paano?
TATAY: KANG GUD!

(BUTANGI, 'langhiya KANG GUD naman 'to....)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------


Juan: pare, nsusuka ko kaya lang hindi ako masuka.
Pedro: madali lang yun pare, sundot mo tonsil mo.
(sinu ndot ang tonsil)
Juan: hindi pa din eh
Pedro: try mo sundot puwet mo.
(sinundot ang pwet)
Juan: ayaw pa din eh..
Pedro: ngayon ska mo isundot ulit sa bibig mo.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------


A mental patient singing while lying in a hospital bed, after a song dumapa siya.
The nurse asked: O bakit ka bumaliktad??
He answered: Adik ka ba??? Side B na kaya!!!
(oks 'to, di ba? Adik talaga...)
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -- 
  
  

Job interview 

Boss: Why should we hire you? 
Tikyo: Mas mabuti po ang bagong tulad ko dahil wala pang sungay. 
Boss: English please. 
Tikyo: Well, you see, uh, I'm brand new so I'm not yet horny!

------------ -------
BF: sunduin kita mamaya,bubusina nalang ako sa kapag nasa harap na ng bahay nyo
GF: Ok sige, anong dala mong sasakyan
BF: Wala, busi na lang


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ------


Pinoy coping mechanism at work! 
A: Magkano po ang tinola? 
M: 20 lang. 
A: May sabaw? 
M: Libre na ang sabaw namin. 
A: Kanin, meron? 
M: 5 lang. 
A: May tutong? 
M: Libre na. 
A: Sige manong, tutong at sabaw nga!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


Great signs! 
1. Gynecologist - Dr. Chua at your cervix. 
2. Septic tank truck - Yesterday's meals on wheels. 
3. Plumber's office - We repair what your husband fixed. 
4. Tire shop - Invite us to your next blowout. 
5. Electrical shop - Let us remove your shorts. 
6. Maternity room door - Push, push, push! 
7. Optometrist' s clinic - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.




--- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Inspirational quote that we must always remember:

kung kaya ng iba...

pagawa mo sa kanila...

dont force yourself.. make your life easy!!!

Note: You might not be able to understand some jokes in this particular post that are  expressed in the Filipino Language

Telecom HISTORY 
> After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Japanese
> scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000
> years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
> already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. 
> 
> In the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200
> metres and headlines in the US papers read: 
> 'US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old
> optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors
> already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
> earlier than the Japanese'. 
> One week later, a Filipino newspaper reported the
> following: 'After digging as deep as 500 metres,
> Filipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They
> have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
> already using wireless technology'. 
> 
> 
> PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD! 
> 
> Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
> 
> 
> One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an
> American. 
> 
> They go with a White House official to examine the fence. 
> 
> The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does
> some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
> Well,' he says. 'I figure the job will run about
> $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit
> for me.' 
> 
> The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and
> figuring, then says, 'I can do $700: $300 for
> materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' 
> 
> The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but
> leans over to the White House official and whispers:
> '$2,700.' 
> 
> The official, incredulous, says, 'What? You didn't
> even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
> such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your
> service with that bid? 
> 
> 'Easy,' the Pinoy explains, '$1,000 for you,
> $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico '. 
> 
> The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the
> Fence. 
> 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Q.What's the difference between corruption in the US
> and corruption in the Philippines ? 
> A.In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go
> to the U.S. 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Q.What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory,
> Gloria and Erap? 
> A.Cory can`t tell a lie 
> Gloria can`t tell the truth 
> Erap can`t tell the difference 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or
> suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo?? 
> Police: DNA na... 
> REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ??? 
> Police: 'Di Namin Alam ' 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose
> Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
> 
> STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay
> pinanganak ng holiday! 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence. 
> JUAN: Si 'Recharge' Gutierrez ay si
> 'Caffeine' Barbell. 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD. 
> FPJ: Anong problema? 
> ERAP: Walang picture, saka sound. Sayang. Suspense thriller
> pa yata to. Tsk, tsk... 
> FPJ: Anong title? 
> ERAP: 'The Lens Cleaner' 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> PROMDI*: Alam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong
> lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko? Maliit, wala pang
> kama at bintana..... ha? 
> ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo... 
> (*Prom the province) 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser
> namin kanina! 
> Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo? 
> Jun-Jun: 'Sino ang walang assignment?' 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo? 
> Juan: Kuwadrado po, ma'am! 
> Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog. 
> Juan: Pero ma'am, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang
> APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog? 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit
> ako nabuntis? 
> Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo? 
> Thelma: Ginawa naming banig. 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are
> you free tonight? 
> The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman FREE...
> Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount! 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo... 
> Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl! 
> Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe! 
> Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt na red? Yun, yun ba?
> Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Berto! 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang
> akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis! 
> Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado
> yun? 
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
> * * * * * * * * * * 
> Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass,
> sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, 'He was an honest
> man, a good man, a devoted family man.' Binulungan ng
> biyuda ang panganay na anak, 'Pakisilip mo nga ang
> kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!'

 
APO: lola, aatend ako ng tipar.
LOLA: anong tipar?
APO: Tipar is party.
LOLA: Puro salitang kalye! Mga PS kaung lhat!
APO: anu ung PS lola? LOLA: Paking shet!

nyak!


LOLO: paki abot naman yang posporo.
LOLA: anjan naman yung shellane eh!
LOLO: so, ipanlilinis ko yung shellane sa tenga ko?

Usapan ng dalawang bata...
Junjun : Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo, 'yang Pacific Ocean , siya ang humukay nun!
Pedrito : Wala 'yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo ' yung Dead Sea ?
Junjun : Oo...
Pedrito : Siya ang pumatay nun!

ngek!


Tatay: bagsak ka na naman! Bat di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor!
Anak: unfair naman kung ikukumpara nyo ako kay Pedro!
Tatay: bakit naman?
Anak: matalino kaya tatay nun!
^_^ 
nakatakas si erap, fvr at gma sa mga terrorista at nagtago sa mga sako sa farm!
Terrorist1: ano nakita mo dyan?
Terrorist2: mga sako lang! Tignan mo ang laman!
sinipa ng terorista ang sako, “meow” sabi ni GMA.
Terrorist2: Pusa!
sinipa ang isa pang sako, “aw aw” sabi ni FVR.
Terrorist: Aso!
sinipa ang isa pang sako ngunit walang tunog kaya sinipa niya ito nang sinipa. Nasasaktan na si erap kaya sabi nito, “PATATAS ako kaya wala kong sound! Mga tanga!”

eyeball ng textmates.
GIRL: magsusuot ako ng yellow.
BOY: I’ll wear green.
[nagpunta sila sa coffee shop to meet. Dumating ang panget na babaeng nakayellow. Walang naka-green. Nilapitan ng babae ang isang lalakeng naka-red shirt.]
GIRL: excuse me, are you my textmate?
BOY: hindi ah! Naka-green ba ako?! Hello?!


------------
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
------------
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!


ang alamat ng pandekoko.
nung unang panahon, wala pang pandekoko.
monay lang ang meron.
pero may isang panadero na ang pangalan ay koko.
namatay si koko dahil sa alak siya'y naloko.
at sa pinaglibingan sa kanya ay may isang sakong tinapay na natagpuan.
'wow ang sarap ng tinapay na to! at may matamis na palaman sa loob.' sabi ng taumbayan.
'at dahil ang nakalibing diyan ay si koko, tatawagin natin yan na kokojam.'

ay alamat pala ito ng kokojam.
toink! 
pinasok ng isang killer ang kwarto ng magasawa.
KILLER: inaalam ko muna ang pangalan ng biktima ko bago ko sila patayin. ikaw anong pangalan mo?
MISIS: inday po!
KILLER: inday din pangalan ng asawa ko. sige hindi na kita papatayin. ikaw anong pangalan mo?
MISTER: my name is gary ...
but my friends call me inday. 

 
boy nahulog sa septic tank,Sumigaw:SUNOG!SUNOG!
dumating mga bumbero naligtas sya,tinanong:
bakit sunog ang sinigaw mo?
boy:kung tae ba pupunta kayo?TAE!TAE!ganun?hehehe 
*********************************************************** 
B1: grabe naholdap ako. Muntik na ko mamatay.
B2: di ka nanghingi ng tulong?
B1: nagtext ako sa police station.
B2: anong reply?
B1: ang mga baliw, reply ba naman, “hu u?”

*********************************************************** 
may isang lasing, nalalakad.
may bigla siyang nakasalubong na madre..
binubog niya yung madre..
sabay sabing...

aaaahhh.. wala ka pala BATMAN e! 
*********************************************************** 
Guro: ano ang dapat gawin kapag lumindol??

Pepito: buksan po ang ilaw!!!

Guro: Bakit?

Pepito: kasi po sa kubo naming madalas lumindol pag gabi… pero pagnagswitch ako ng ilaw biglang natigil… 
*********************************************************** 
ANAK: tay, may manok sa kusina. Tinutuka ang bigas mo.
TATAY: paalisin mo!
ANAK: oi, alis ka daw! ayaw umalis eh
TATAY: takutin mo!
ANAK: awoooooo manooook!! May mumu diyan! 
*********************************************************** 
DOCTOR: You only have very short time to live.
PATIENT: How short?
DOCTOR: 10
PATIENT: 10 what? Days? Months? Years?

DOCTOR: 9...8...7...6........ 
*********************************************************** 
Promoter: Misis, kapag pinaghalo ang Ariel at Tide, bubula kaya?
Misis: Aba , syempre!
Promoter: Mali !
Misis: Bakit naman?
Promoter: Wala pang tubig. Excited ka?! 
****************************************************** 

 
Pasyente: Magkano ang facelift???

Doktora: Complete treatment ay P145,000

Pasyente: mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata??

Doktora: eto tsupon, P20 lang!!! 
*********************************************** 
In a kindergaten class, the little girl asked:
girl: mam, mabubuntis po ba yung 40 yrs old???
teacher: oo
girl: yung 20?
teacher: oo
girl: yung 5 yrs old???
teacher: hindi

(little boy whispered)

boy: sabi sayo... wag kang kabahan!!! 

 
*********************************************************** 
Klase ng mga mag-iinom

PASSAGE - mahilig mag-pass ng tagay

THE HIKER – palipat lipat ng puwesto, iwas tagay

THE MARTYR – nagpapanggap na kaya pa kahit senglot na

KID SENTI – madaming naaalala pag nakainom na

THE FUGITIVE - umuuwi ng walang paalam naglalahong parang bula

KUNG FU – KUNG FUmulutan malupet, tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang picnic

THE CHOSEN ONE – Official runner ng tindahan, bili yelo, yosi, alak

DEADMAN DRINKER – unang nalalasing

THE ORIGINALS – lage mong katagay

Ikaw??? Anong klase ka??