FUNNY EMAIL MESSAGES

Law laugh lines - Part 15

2012-01-25T05:50:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

The bridge

2012-01-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

A Cebuano man praying that a bridge be constructed connecting Cebu to Bohol since he grew tired of riding fast crafts.

God: That's impossible my son. You can't even see the coasts of both place and besides there's a vast ocean separating them. No engineer can ever construct that bridge.

Man: Ok. Ok. Just forget about the bridge my Lord. Just give me enough wisdom to understand women.

God: How many lanes do you want for that bridge my son?

The Chinaman and Speilberg

2012-01-15T05:22:00.000-08:00

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

Cannibals

2012-01-10T05:21:00.000-08:00

Three men are walking in a forest. All of a sudden they are jumped by 50 cannibals. The cannibals take the men to their chieftain.

The chieftain says he will let them go if they complete a two-part test. The chieftain tells them each to go get 10 of a kind of fruit of their choice.

The first guy who comes back asks the chieftain what to do next. The chieftain replies that he must shove those peaches up to his butt without making any facial expressions. He got one halfway then winced in pain and got eaten.

The second guy came back with cherrys. He was on the 8th cherry when he started laughing hysterically and thus got eaten.

The next day in heaven the first guy asked the second guy why he laughed when in fact he was almost there. The second guy said he laughed because he saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples.

Law laugh lines - Part 14

2012-01-05T05:49:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Law laugh lines - Part 13

2011-12-30T05:48:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

Law laugh lines - Part 12

2011-12-28T05:48:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Law laugh lines - Part 11

2011-12-25T05:47:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Law laugh lines - Part 10

2011-12-22T05:47:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

Law laugh lines - Part 9

2011-12-20T05:46:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

Law laugh lines - Part 8

2011-12-15T05:45:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Law laugh lines - Part 7

2011-12-08T05:45:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

Law laugh lines - Part 6

2011-12-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

Law laugh lines - Part 5

2011-11-30T05:44:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

Law laugh lines - Part 4

2011-11-25T05:43:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Law laugh lines - Part 3

2011-11-20T05:42:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo..

Americanized Chinese

2011-11-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

There were 3 Chinese named Chu, Bu and Fu who went to USA. They then decided to americanize their names, hence, Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
decided to return to China.

Master

2011-11-19T05:28:00.000-08:00

Excerpt from a Husband's Speech on their Wedding Anniversary:

"I am the master of my fate,
I am the master of my soul,
Subject to my Wife's control..."

Lighter

2011-11-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

Grandpa: Can you please hand me over the match Dear?
Grandma: There's a lighter beside you.
Grandpa: So, I'll use this lighter to clean my ears?

Whats the difference ?

2011-11-19T05:25:00.000-08:00

A boy returns from school and says he failed in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks his Daddy.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies the boy.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the *@*!@*# difference ?" asks the father.

"That's exactly what I said !", says the boy.

Law laugh lines Part 2

2011-11-10T05:42:00.000-08:00

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Law laugh lines part 1

2011-11-05T05:39:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

Color Blind . . .

2011-10-30T04:01:00.000-07:00

I just came from the ophthalmologist and I was told that indeed I'm a color blind. No wonder, I only know three colors: Red, Yellow and Blue. Orange and Peach are fruits. I have no idea what mauve is. And I'm totally confused why violet flowers are colored blue.

Is English a stupid language or what !

2011-10-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

Sow, a female hog is pronounced "sou" while Sow which is to scatter seed is pronounced as "so'.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither

apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is

in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French

fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't

sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are

square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of

booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese?

Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse,

2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian

eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses

that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive

on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a

wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as

heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill

in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by

going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and

off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when

the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I

wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is

coming or going!!!

Stupid question . . .

2011-10-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

I went to zoo today and heard the elephant and camel talking. The elephant sarcastically asked the camel, "Why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" And the camel retorted, "That's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face!"

Hi-tech overdose

2011-10-05T03:52:00.000-07:00

A sure sign of hi-tech overdose: A computer engineering student. falling from 8th floor & shouting "F1...F1...F1"...(instead of help, help, help !!!)

The problem with lawyer's jokes

2011-09-30T03:51:00.000-07:00

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Another sensual love note . . .

2011-09-15T03:50:00.000-07:00

"Shut the door, take off your pants, get on top of me and do what you need to do to satisfy your needs."

Love always,

The Toilet

You make me complete . . .

2011-09-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

A love letter . . .

2011-09-05T03:49:00.000-07:00

I will find you and take you to bed and have my way with you. You will groan, moan and beg me to stop. I'll exhaust you and leave you weak for days.

Sincerely,

THE FLU!

Student's dictionary

2011-08-30T03:48:00.000-07:00

Allowance - a force that motivates you to go to school;
I.D. - alternative ruler to draw a straight line;
Studying - a substitute for a sleeping pill and much more effective;
Tomorrow - deadline.

Your just a smile away . . .

2011-08-20T03:46:00.000-07:00

Drunk singing: "mile, you're so many mile away..."
Boy: Sir, you sing it with an "s."
Drunk: "Smile, you're so many smile away..."

Vampire tea . . .

2011-08-10T03:46:00.000-07:00

One night a vampire walked into a bar and sat down and asked for a hot glass of water and the bartender said, "You're a vampire don't you drink blood?"
So the vampire pulls a used sanitary napkin out of her pocket and says, "I'm having tea, you idiot !"

Stupid lawyer !

2011-08-08T05:51:00.000-07:00

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Being on time for work . . .

2011-08-05T03:45:00.000-07:00

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!”
He replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

Who discovered the Philippines . . ,

2011-07-30T03:44:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find Philippines.

MARIA: Here it is Mam.

TEACHER: That's correct. Now class, who discovered Philippines?

CLASS: Maria!

Brotherly love !

2011-07-25T03:44:00.000-07:00

Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey with a stick and I stop him, what virtue would I be showing?

Student : Brotherly love.

It came off !

2011-07-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

This morning, I opened my brief case and its handle came off! Then, as I tried to wear my suit, the button came off! I've been wanting to urinate, but I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...

In laws . . .

2011-07-10T03:42:00.000-07:00

Hubby and wife out driving, not talking after a row. Passing a farm of cows and pigs, wife asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" Hubby replies, "Yep, in-laws!"

So who's the boss ?

2011-07-05T03:41:00.000-07:00

Boss hangs a notice in his office " I am the boss, don't forget".....

When he returns from lunch, he saw a note on his table from her secretary:

" Your wife called up and she wants her notice back at home.....!!!!!"

Pepper or paper ?

2011-06-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

A Pinoy guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!", replied the Pinoy.

If a lawyer wrote Genesis . . .

2011-06-20T03:37:00.000-07:00

“If Genesis were to be written by a lawyer today, it would probably read this way. “In at around and or close proximity to the beginning, God, in conjunction with his angels, his agents assignees and successors in interest, conceived, created, fashioned, formed, invented and occasioned heaven and earth, and said earth was voidable .“- Atty. Zenaida N. Elepaño, First lady Philippine Supreme Court administrator

Singapore - Filipino English

2011-06-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Note: In Filipino Language

Bisaya:

Dawata ang among kinasing-kasing pasalamat sa inyong pag-abi-abi kanamo sa hamubo namong panahon diha sa matahum nga nasud sa Singapore. Manghinaut mi nga wa mo nitagam sa among kasamukan.

Wikang Pambansa:

Tanggapin po ninyo ang aming taos pusong pasasalamat sa inyong mainit na pagsalubong sa maiksing panahon na nilagi namin dyan sa magandang bansang Singapore. Sana po ay di kayo nagsawa sa aming kakulitan.

Singlish:

Alamak! Wah liao so expensive lah! But street food beli shiok! ^_^ Soli, I so blur lah! Wah! Me damn blur leh! Liddat also dunno! Can follow anot?

(Thanks to Mayor Fer Matahum - Taken from his Facebook)

Englisera

2011-06-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

Englisera (Performed on youtube) by Missing Filemon (in Visayan language)

Aduna ko’y nabantayan

Nausab na ang akong sinultian

May sagol nang eninglish like whatever and well

Sukad nga nakaila tika

Giingnan ko sa imong friends

Nga you find kuno badoy and bisayang pinulungan

Manglimbawt imong balhibo kong makadungog kag

Pulong sama sa gugma

So i, say i love you is it okay with you

Bahala nag makahilak ang lolo kong magbabalak

I tell him, well my lolo i’m in love not like you

I’m not too old to learn an english word or two

Nagkuyog ta sa sinehan

Gikataw-an mo ang trailer ni piolo ug judy ann

Way laing maingon kundi whatever and well

Dayong gawas sa pultahan

Giingnan ko sa imong friends

Nga you find kuno badoy mga pelikulang pinoy

Bahala nag luod basta gikan sa hollywood

Always makes you feel so good

So i, say i love you is it okay with you

Bahala nag makahilak ang lolo kong magbabalak

I tell him, well my lolo i’m in love not like you

I’m not too old to learn an english word or two

Unya kalit kang nawala

Wa ka nagpahibalo

Niining bisdak nga na-in love kanimo

I thought kitang duha together, forever..

Ako imo diayng gipasakitan..

Giingnan ko sa imong friends

Nga nikuyog ka kuno sa imong ka textmate nga kano

Nanglimbawt akong balhibo sa nasayran ko nga

Ang kano otsenta na..

Still i, say i love you though your hurting me so

Bahala nag makahilak ang lolo kong magbabalak

I tell him, well my lolo i’m your stupid apo

Naminaw lang unta ako sa tambag mo

Now i’m too hurt to learn an enlish word or two

See: From: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CidaVnd60g

Love and time (charness kaayo)

2011-05-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way.

Realizing how much was owed the elder, Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is." (char!)

Hospital window

2011-05-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his

roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside.

Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: Di magpa-ilad. Don't be an idiot. See for your self. hehehe :-)

Foreign language . . .

2011-05-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in.

Snatching up the kid, Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it.

Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat.

The cat skidded to a halt and ran away.

Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!"

Lawyer's questions . . .

2011-05-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Clara, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Atty. Perez. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Clara, do you know the defense counsel?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Atty. San Juan since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire province. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both attorneys to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

Men's Rules For Women

2011-04-26T10:00:00.001-07:00

At last men has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, our side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Men ARE not mind readers. Dili mi propeta nga makatag-an. ok?

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports.

It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Karong Sunday, sinumbagay ni Pacquaio, di magsamok ha?

4. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail. huhuhu

6. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Dili mag-liko2x ug istorya.

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Never answer, "ikaw gud, unsay imo gusto." In the end, kami basulon.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. hehehe Sakit ako ulo, di lang usa ta ron. :(

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. Kung sige mog balik-balik istorya sa mga nanghitabo sa una, enroll nalang mo ug AB History ha. Unya kanang magsige balik-balik kay maka-bogo. Pa-ulet2x teh? nakakabobo ka na ha.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ...

14. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Di magsige panguhit while the movie is going on.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. What is mauve?

18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Dili mi mananag-an or propeta.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. o, gusto man kaha makahibalo, ayaw kasuko. nangutana bitaw ka.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as inom, unsay pulatan, boxing, basketball or golf.

23. You have enough clothes. Ayaw na cge pamalit.

24. You have too many shoes. Haaayyy, unless gusto kang mag Imelda Marcos

25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! :)

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The Wedding test

2010-11-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

This is a story of my friend...

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is....."Always keep your condoms in your car."

The Photographer

2010-11-06T23:03:00.001-07:00

The Dela Cruz couple were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Dela Cruz kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Dela Cruz cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Dela Cruz.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Dela Cruz quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Dela Cruz exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Dela Cruz.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Dela Cruz, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Dela Cruz leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."

With that, Mrs. Dela Cruz fainted.

3-minute Management Lesson

2010-05-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did
he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Management lesson: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management lesson: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff!
She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management lesson: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lesson:

Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy.

Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.

And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Don't talk to my parrot !

2010-04-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Agathe’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way…don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!” When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

The Ass

2010-04-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mildred came back from her annual check up with her doctor in an unusually good mood, and her husband asked her what had made her day.

Mildred said, “The doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.”

To which her husband responded, “What did he say about your forty-six year old ass?”

Milly retorted, “He didn’t say a word about you!”

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

2010-04-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Balitang Kotsera a joke on the 2010 presidential elections

2010-04-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

By Perry Diaz
Illustration by Dave San Pedro

With 10 candidates running for President of the Philippines, God decided to interview all of them to decide whom to anoint. God asked each of the presidential wannabes the same question: “What would be your first act on Day One of your presidency?”
God: “Who wants to volunteer first?”
Noynoy Aquino: “Me! Me!”
God: “Since you’re the frontrunner, go ahead, Noynoy. Your mom talks highly of you. So, let’s hear what you have in mind.”
Noynoy: “Lord, my first act would be to confiscate all of Marcos’ ill-gotten wealth and use them to build millions of ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes for the poor, provide jobs for the jobless, and feed the hungry. I’ll build a Bagong Pilipinas (new Philippines) in memory of my parents, Ninoy and Cory. Mabuhay ang Bagong Pilipinas!”
God: “Very good! I like your vision of a Bagong Pilipinas. I’m sure your mom and dad will not be disappointed with you. Who’s next?”
Manny Villar: “Bah! ‘Gawad Kalinga’ homes are cheap. There’s no profit in building those little homes. I’ve been building homes for more than 30 years, Lord. My first act will be to build roads — like the C-5 Road — all over the Philippines to link all the subdivisions that I’m going build and sell to the people. And then I’ll donate 10% of my profit to Gawad Kalinga so they can build those little homes for the poor.”
God: “That sounds like an excellent business plan. I’m sure that it would make you 100 times richer than you are today. Maybe you should donate 10% of your profits to the Church too. How about you, Gibo?”
Gibo Teodoro: “Lord, with all due respect to Manny, but his roads aren’t going to connect all the 7,000 islands in the country. So I’m going to build bridges and tunnels to connect all the islands.”
God: “Wow wow wee! That’s fantastic! And do you think that you’ll accomplish all that in six years? You may have to stay in power for at least another 30 years just to finish a fraction of your plan. It might be worth keeping you in power as long as you continue building bridges. Let me think about it.”
Gibo: “Actually, that’s my personal agenda, Lord. I have to stay in power until all the bridges and tunnels are completed. I’ll transform our beloved Pilipinas into an ‘Enchanted Kingdom’ in 20 years.”
God: “Enchanted kingdom? Twenty years? Hmmm… I heard that line before. Well… How about you, Dick?”
Dick Gordon: “Lord, that Global Balita editor didn’t call me ‘Flashy Dick’ for nothing! My plan is to fire all government employees and replace them with thousands of Red Cross volunteers. You see, I used volunteers to convert Subic Naval Base into an international free port. Look what it is today.”
God: “You’re indeed flashy, Dick. I like your idea of using volunteers. You’re pretty good at that. Keep up the good work. How about you, Bro. Eddie?”
Bro. Eddie Villanueva: “Lord, I believe that prayers can perform miracles. I’ll make it mandatory for all Filipinos to pray 10 times a day. Look at the Arabs! They only pray five times a day and they’re very wealthy. The Filipinos will become the wealthiest people on Earth!”
God: “Sounds like a great idea. Rest assured that I’ll hear their prayers, my loyal follower. I just want to make sure that the people will pray to me and not to Allah, okay? Let’s move on. How about you, Nick?”
Nick Perlas: “Lord, since I’m an environmentalist, I’ll save all the forests. To achieve that would require that we stop using paper products. The Philippines will be the first ‘paperless society’ on Earth. No more paper money. No more newspapers. No more toilet paper. The country is having water shortage too, so we need to conserve water as well. To achieve that, I’ll invent a waterless bidet that would only use air to do its work. I’ll also make it mandatory for every citizen over 18 years of age to have a computer at home so they can check my Facebook every day.”
God: “Excellent! You are going to save the Earth from destruction. More power to you, Nick. I’m glad the Comelec accepted your Certificate of Candidacy. Nick, we need people like you. I salute you. Who’s next? John Carlos?”
John Carlos de los Reyes: “I don’t really know what to do if I get elected, Lord. I’m new in the political game and the youngest of the candidates. However, if I win, I will stop corruption and send all the corrupt officials to jail and.…”
God: “Enough! I’ve heard that line since Quezon’s time and that’s not going to happen in your lifetime, kiddo. Good try, though. You’re next, Jamby.”
Jamby Madrigal: “Thank you, Lord! I just want you to know that I’m the only woman running for president. If elected, I will fight for women’s rights! I will also…”
God: “I agree with you Jamby. But we’re running out of time. Next!”
Vetellano Acosta: “I’m the standard bearer of the Kilusang Bagong Lipunan, the late president Ferdinand Marcos’ political party. If elected, I’ll build a monument to Apo Ferdinand that would be higher than the Quezon Memorial. I will also…”
God: “Stop it! That’s not going to happen, pal. Not in my lifetime. Okay? Let’s see who’s the best…”
Erap Estrada: “Hold it! Hold it, Lord! How about me?”
God: “Oh, I’m sorry, Erap. I didn’t know you’re still in the race. Okay, Let’s hear what’s in your mind.”
Erap: “Don’t underestimate my ability, Lord. I’m the oldest in this group but I’m wiser than a turkey.”
God: “You mean to say, ‘wiser than an owl,’ right?”
Erap: “Same thing. My first act as President would be to file plunder charges against President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. She grabbed the presidency from me in 2001 and cheated my best friend Fernando Poe Jr. in 2004. It’s payback time, Lord. An eye for an eye! And I promise you that if she’s convicted, I will never pardon her! Lintik lang ang walang ganti!”
God: “Aha! You know, you’re the only one who thought of punishing Gloria for all her kalokohan (shenanigans). Erap, you’re my man! I hereby anoint you as the country’s next President.”

Laughs are always good, good laughs are even better.

2010-03-16T22:22:00.003-07:00

Some things to remember as we enter 2010:

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit
down and shut-up.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

Marriage Humor:

2010-01-24T20:07:00.001-08:00

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband:'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

_____________
Wife:'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his

wife, 'Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' < BR>-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I

bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned'

A warning to parents . . .

2009-12-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Here's a letter from parents in response to their son's request . . .

Dear Anak, (trans) dear Son

Naipadala na namin ang 50 thousand pesos na pang-tuition fee mo, pinagbili na namin ang mga kalabaw natin.
(trans) We have sent the P50k for your tuition fee, we have sold our carabaos.
Wala na rin pala tayong mga baboy at naibenta na rin para dun sa sinasabi mong project nyo na NOKIA N75, ang mahal naman ng project na yun, ano? (trans) We no longer have any pigs either. We sold these for your NOKIA N75 project. That's such an expensive school project, huh?

Kasama na rin ang 7 thousand dun para sa field trip nyo sa MALL OF ASIA, anak malayo ba yun? Mag-iingat ka sa pagbibiyahe mo ha. (trans) This includes the P7k for your class field trip to the MALL OF ASIA, is it that far away?

Isasanla nga pala namin ang palayan natin para mabili mo na yung instrumentong I-POD na kinakailangan mo sa laboratory nyo. (trans) We are also about to hock our ricefields so you can buy that laboratory instrument you call an IPOD.

Anak kamusta na pala yung group project nyo na SANMIG LIGHT napailaw nyo na ba? (trans) Son, how was your group project SANMIG LIGHT? Were you able to light it up?

Mataas ba nakuha nyo na grado dun. Anak sana bago pa maubos ang lahat lahat ng arian natin ay maka gradweyt kana. Walong taon ba talaga ang kurso mong SECRETARIAL? (trans) Did you get good grades in that? Son we hope that you could graduate before we lose everything else. Will that SECRETARIAL course have to go on for 8 years?

Sana pag-graweyt mo makakuha ka agad ng trabaho kagaya ng manager ng kumpanya para mabawi natin ang mga ari-arian nating nasa sanglaan. (trans) When you graduate we hope you can get a job straightaway as a manager of a company so we can recover our property in the pawnshops.

Naaawa nga kami sa iyo kasi sabi mo sa turo-turo ka lang palagi kumakain. Ok ba naman sayo ang mga ulam dyan sa JOLLIBEE, MAK DONALD, KFC at Chowking? Konting tiis at tyaga lang at makakaraos ka rin. (trans) We feel sorry for you because you said you have to eat at street eateries. How is the food at JOLLIBEE, MCDONALD, KFC and CHOWKING? (takeaway places) Just a bit more sacrifice and perseverance and you will get through this.

Anak hanggang dito nalang at sa susunod na naming ipapadala ko sayo ang pera na pambili mo ng ALTIS na gagamitin mo sa VACANT SUBJECT mo. (trans) Son we will send you the money to buy the ALTIS which you will use in your VACANT SUBJECT. (not too sure what this last sentence means)

Ang nagmamahal (trans) Lovingly

Itang at Inang /Dad and Mum

P.S. Anak mag aral ka ng mabuti. (trans) Son study well.

certifiably genuine student bloopers

2009-12-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.

The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.

Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Acutally, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

The ABC's of Bras

2009-10-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?



If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!







(A} Almost Boobs...



{B} Barely there.



{C} Can't Complain!



{D} Dang!



{DD} Double dang!



{E} Enormous!



{F} Fake.



{G} Get a Reduction.



{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

What religion is your bra ?

2009-10-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.



What type of bra?' asked the clerk.



Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?



Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.







Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.



Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:



There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?





Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.



The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple...







The Catholic type supports the masses.



The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,



The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and



The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

How Bob how you doin ?

2009-09-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

> Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week

> bowling

> and plays golf every Saturday.

> His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his

> birthday she

> takes him to a local strip club.

> The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob!

> How ya doin?'

> His wife is puzzled and

> asks if he's been to this club before.

> 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

> When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his

> usual and

> brings over a Budweiser.

> His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

> 'How did she

> know that you drink Budweiser?'

> 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I

> always have

> a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

> A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms

> around Bob,

> starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby.

> Want your

> usual table dance, big boy?'

> Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of

> the club.

> Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she

> can slam the

> door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to

> explain how the

> stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his

> wife is

> having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of

> her lungs,

> calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

> The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a

> real bitch

> this time.'

> BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

Math Class

2009-09-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Military time

2009-09-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative ma'am. Just serious bynature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” “

1955, ma'am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I hope not, it's only 2130 now.”

(Don't you love military time?!)

Snakes

2009-09-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

Snake 1:
Are we poisonous?

Snake 2:
I don’t know. Why?

Snake 1:
I just bit my lip.

Grandfather's Table

2009-08-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

Funny but touching . . .

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in- law, and four-year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table, but the elderly grandfather’ s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in- law became irritated with the mess. “We must do something about Grandfather, ” said the son. “I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.” Therefore, the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather’ s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather’ s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days, he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

The Devil's Beatitudes

2009-08-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

Blessed are those who are too tired, busy or disorganized to meet with fellow Christians on Sundays each week.
Their hearts are not in it.
Blessed are those who enjoy noticing the mannerisms of clergy and choir.
Their hearts are not in it.
Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked.
I can use them.
Blessed are the touchy.
With a bit of luck they may even stop going to church.
They are my missionaries.
Blessed are those who claim to love God at the same time as hating other people.
They are mine forever.
Blessed are the trouble makers.
They shall be called my children.
Blessed are those who have no time to pray.
They are easy prey for me.
Blessed are you when you read this and think it is about other people and not about yourself.
I've got you.
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Things my mother taught me

2009-08-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
“You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like
YOU. Then you'll see what it's like."

The Silent sermon

2009-08-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

This is somewhat funny but has also some lesson . . .

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the minister decided to visit him. It was a chilly day. That evening, the minister found the man at home all alone sitting by a blazing fire.

Guessing the reason for his minister's visit, the man welcomed him, and led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited. The minister made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, he took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent.
The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead. Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
The minister glanced at his watch and chose this time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow once more, with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the minister reached the door to leave, his host said, with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday".
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Haircut

2009-07-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we'll talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You brought your grade up, studied the bible well, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment an then replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied gently, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went."
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

The Family Bible

2009-07-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Old Brother Higgins built a shelf
for the family bible to rest itself
lest a sticky finger or grimy thumb
might injure the delicate pages some.
He cautioned his children to touch it not
and it rested there with never a blot
though the Higgins tribe were a troublesome lot.
His neighbor, Miggins, built a shelf
"Come children," he said, "and help yourself."
His book is old and ragged and worn,
with some of the choicest pages torn,
where children have fingered and thumbed and read.
But of the Miggins tribe I've heard it said,
each carries a bible in his head.
-unknown
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

The stranger . . .

2009-07-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

This is very interesting and not the ending I had expected. Really makes you think......
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?..........
We just call him 'TV.'
He has a wife now.... We call her 'Computer.'
GOD SPEED!

Creation sacrasm

2009-07-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Genesis Revisited
Michael Shermer
Why Darwin Matters
In the beginning - specifically on October 23, 4004 BC, at noon - out of quantum foam fluctuation God created the Big Bang, followed by cosmological inflation and an expanding universe. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, so He create Quarks and therefrom He created hydrogen atoms and thence He commanded the hydrogen atoms to fuse and become helium atoms and in the process to release energy in the form of light. And the light maker He called the sun, and the process He called fusion. And He saw the light was good because now He could see what he was doing, so he created Earth. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And God said, Let there be lots of fusion light makers in the sky. Some of these fusion makers He grouped into collections He called galaxies, and these appeared to be millions and even billions of light-years from Earth, which would mean that they were created before the first creation in 4004 BC. This was confusing, so God created tired light, and the creation story was preserved. And He created many wondrous splendours such as Red GIants, White Dwarfs, Quasars, Pulsars, Supernovas, Worm Holes, and even Black Holes out of which nothing can escape. But since God cannot be constrained by nothing, He created Hawking radiation through which information can escape from Black Holes. This made God even more tired than tired light, and the evening and the morning were the second day.
And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the continenets drift apart by plate tectonics. He decreed that sea floor spreading would create zones of emergence, and He caused subduction zones to build mountains and cause earthquakes. In weak points in the crust God created volcanic islands, where the next day He would place organisms that were similar to but different from their relatives on the continents, so that still later created creatures called humans would mistake them for evolved descendants created by adaptive radiation. And the evening and morning were the third day.
And God saw that the island was barren, so He created animals bearing their own kind. Thou shalt not evolve into new species, and thy equilibrium shall not be punctuated. And God placed into the rocks, fossils that appeared older than 4004 BC that were similar to but different from living creatures. And the sequence resembled descent with modification. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly that moving creatures that have life, the fishes. And God created great whales whose skeletal structure and physiology were homologous with the land mammals He would create later that day. God then brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, declaring that microevolution was permitted, but not macroevolution. And God said, "Natura non facit saltum" - Nature shall not make leaps. And the evening and morning were the fifth day.
And God created the pongids and homonids with 98 percent genetic similarity, naming two of them Adam and Eve. In the book in which God explained how He did all this, the Bible, in one chapter He said He created Adam and Eve together out of the dust at the same time, but in another chapter He said he created Adam first, then later created Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. This caused confusion in the valley of the shadow of doubt, so God created theologians to sort it out.
And in the ground placed He in adundance teeth, jaws, skulls, and pelvises of transitional fossils from pre-Adamite creatures. One chosen as his special creation He named Lucy, who could walk upright like a human but had a small brain like an ape. And God realized this too was confusing, so he created paleoanthropologists to figure it out.
Just as He was finishing up the loose ends of creation, God realized that Adam's immediate descendants would not understand inflationary cosmology, global general relativity, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, biochemistry, paleontology, and evolutionary bioloy, so he created creation myths. But there were so many creation stories throughout the world that God realized this too was confusing, so created He anthropologists and mythologists to explain all that.
By now the valley of the shadow of doubt was overrun with skepticism, so God became angry - so angry that God lost his temper and cursed the first humans, telling them to go forth and multiply themselves (but not in those words). But the humans took God literally and now there are over six billion of them. And the evening and the mornin were the sixth day.

By now God was tired, so He proclaimed, "Thank Me it's Friday," and He made the weekend. It was a good idea.

Disclaimer: I don't believe in evolution I am a real old earth creationist just posted this because its funny.

You might be a nurse if . . .

2009-07-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

- When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- When you tell a man you meet for the first time you're a nurse, you're expected to laugh hysterically when he asks you for a sponge bath, as if it was the most original and wittiest thing you've ever heard.
-Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
Men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
-Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
-You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
-You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
-You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
-You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.

And then the fight started . . .

2009-06-28T20:50:00.001-07:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, ?Dust.'

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ?that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

?Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, ?who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
-----



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, ?your
eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind
was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

---------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching who wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

I love this Doctor !

2009-05-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all.. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets..

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

An Evolutionists version of Genesis 1

2009-05-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

By Michael Shermer

In the beginning - specifically on October 23, 4004 BC, at noon - out of quantum foam fluctuation God created the Big Bang, followed by cosmological inflation and an expanding universe. And darkness was upon the face of the deep, so He create Quarks and therefrom He created hydrogen atoms and thence He commanded the hydrogen atoms to fuse and become helium atoms and in the process to release energy in the form of light. And the light maker He called the sun, and the process He called fusion. And He saw the light was good because now He could see what he was doing, so he created Earth. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And God said, Let there be lots of fusion light makers in the sky. Some of these fusion makers He grouped into collections He called galaxies, and these appeared to be millions and even billions of light-years from Earth, which would mean that they were created before the first creation in 4004 BC. This was confusing, so God created tired light, and the creation story was preserved. And He created many wondrous splendours such as Red GIants, White Dwarfs, Quasars, Pulsars, Supernovas, Worm Holes, and even Black Holes out of which nothing can escape. But since God cannot be constrained by nothing, He created Hawking radiation through which information can escape from Black Holes. This made God even more tired than tired light, and the evening and the morning were the second day.
And God said, Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together unto one place, and let the continenets drift apart by plate tectonics. He decreed that sea floor spreading would create zones of emergence, and He caused subduction zones to build mountains and cause earthquakes. In weak points in the crust God created volcanic islands, where the next day He would place organisms that were similar to but different from their relatives on the continents, so that still later created creatures called humans would mistake them for evolved descendants created by adaptive radiation. And the evening and morning were the third day.
And God saw that the island was barren, so He created animals bearing their own kind. Thou shalt not evolve into new species, and thy equilibrium shall not be punctuated. And God placed into the rocks, fossils that appeared older than 4004 BC that were similar to but different from living creatures. And the sequence resembled descent with modification. And the evening and morning were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly that moving creatures that have life, the fishes. And God created great whales whose skeletal structure and physiology were homologous with the land mammals He would create later that day. God then brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, declaring that microevolution was permitted, but not macroevolution. And God said, "Natura non facit saltum" - Nature shall not make leaps. And the evening and morning were the fifth day.
And God created the pongids and homonids with 98 percent genetic similarity, naming two of them Adam and Eve. In the book in which God explained how He did all this, the Bible, in one chapter He said He created Adam and Eve together out of the dust at the same time, but in another chapter He said he created Adam first, then later created Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. This caused confusion in the valley of the shadow of doubt, so God created theologians to sort it out.
And in the ground placed He in adundance teeth, jaws, skulls, and pelvises of transitional fossils from pre-Adamite creatures. One chosen as his special creation He named Lucy, who could walk upright like a human but had a small brain like an ape. And God realized this too was confusing, so he created paleoanthropologists to figure it out.
Just as He was finishing up the loose ends of creation, God realized that Adam's immediate descendants would not understand inflationary cosmology, global general relativity, quantum mechanics, astrophysics, biochemistry, paleontology, and evolutionary bioloy, so he created creation myths. But there were so many creation stories throughout the world that God realized this too was confusing, so created He anthropologists and mythologists to explain all that.
By now the valley of the shadow of doubt was overrun with skepticism, so God became angry - so angry that God lost his temper and cursed the first humans, telling them to go forth and multiply themselves (but not in those words). But the humans took God literally and now there are over six billion of them. And the evening and the mornin were the sixth day.
By now God was tired, so He proclaimed, "Thank Me it's Friday," and He made the weekend. It was a good idea.

NOTE: I don't believe in evolution, I believe in the literal Gensis account, I just posted this for humour's sake :-)

Jesus vs. Satan Computer war

2009-05-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone!
It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
source unknown
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Chapter Channel 23

2009-05-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

The TV’s is my shepherd; I shall not want.
It maketh me to lie down on my sofa:
It leadeth me away from the scriptures.
It destroyeth my soul: it leadeth me in the paths of sex and violence for the sponsor’s profit.
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my Christian responsibility, I will not stop: for the TV’s is with me; the tv cable and the remote control they comfort me.
It prepareth an advertisment before me in the presence of mine world: it anointeth my head with humanism and consumerism; the covering falleth over me.
Surely ignorance and lazyness shall follow all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the room of the TV’s for ever.
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

Butt prints in the sand

2009-04-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
-- author unknown
GOD SPEED
HAVE A BLESSED DAY!

The Pope, KFC and the Lord's prayer

2009-04-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?
"The Colonel says, "I need you to change the Lord's prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." The Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales the Colonel panics and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
This time the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." The Colonel hangs up again.
After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate and calls the Pope again. "This is my final offer your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
The next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.
The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
GOD SPEED HAVE A BLESSED DAY

Billing the dead . . .

2009-04-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

FW: Cancel your credit card before you die. It is recommended.

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now, it’s somewhere around $60…00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the actual conversation that transpired:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member : ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. ‘

Citibank : ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Citibank : ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member : ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member : ‘Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?’

Citibank : ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Citibank : ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member : ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Citibank : (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member : ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member : ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank : ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member : ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.’ (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member : ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Citibank : ‘That might help…’

Family Member : ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Citibank : ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery !’

Family Member : ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet??? ‘

Mysterious Phrases Explained

2009-04-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.

The meaning of dreams

2009-03-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband...
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - - only to find book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

God's diary part 2

2009-03-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Day 4:
The animal order came through today. Oh my self! What a schemozzle. I appointed three main contractors to cover earth, sky and sea to fill the entire order. They in turn have gone to several sub-contractors as they didn't have sufficient manufacturing capacity. My original brief has become so misunderstood that they are producing some bizarre creatures. On top of that the designers say they've had to come up with new designs to cope with the other modifications to the project. To cap it off, the biggest items, the dinosaurs, have been delivered with a limited warranty and no guarantee of spares back-up beyond a few centuries as the contractor has gone bust! I've had every animal salesman in the universe leaving samples - I've lost complete control. I just hope that they all get on but I'm not sure of the herbivore and carnivore thing.
Day 5:
Started today excited. I was going to create the human species in my own image. Well I wasn't, but this sculpture guy was. Had to fire him. It was terrible. Nothing like me. But I'd spent heaps so had to use it anyway. I called it 'woman' and then passed it down for mass production. The fellas on the shop floor seemed to have like it. Spent the rest of the day having a crack at making my image instead. Eight hours in the mirror mucking around with it. In the end make a whole bunch but they're all hopeless. I've called it 'man'. Sent them down to the plant and said to make these and modify woman to match each one. I'll have another go on Day 8.
Day 6:
Found a big mistake in my project schedule. While I made bountiful lands and oceans and then animals and man, etc, I forgot to cater for everyone!
They're literally been starving and dining out on each other. Must remember to provide food before creating animals next time. I hope they all forget the taste of blood and stop eating each other. Never again. The project manager has just advised that my budget is just about gone so there is not enough food to go around. Maybe the carnivore and herbivore thing was not such a big mistake after all.
Sunday:
Got a status report back last night. I'm broke. The project has gone way over budget. I'll barely have enough to get by myself. Man will just have to make sacrifices to me for a while. As assessment on how the project is operating is not good. The sun was supposed to be an eternal energy source, but it looks like eternity is not as long as I had first figured. Also we've not provided enough energy source on earth for more than a few thousand years - less if they start building cars. The nutrients in the soil are also not replenishing and we overlooked providing renewable resources. On top of that, man seems to be a bit of a worry. Too smart by half. He'll get his and those woman creatures have his measure! I think I'll just have a rest today.
Note:
Thought about all the things I could do to improve things. I think I might travel to another universe and see if I can sell the new improved earth concept to someone else. A far more advanced universe with space travel and renewable energy. And I think I'll paint the inhabitants green...

God's Diary Part 1

2009-03-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

God's Diary
Vol. 1 My Earliest Works
A. J. Elbridge
Australian Mad Magazine No. 364
Day 1:
Dear Diary, today I begin the "Heaven on Earth" project, the first of its kind. If successful I shall go into mass production. I've a production schedule of eight days and had developed all the plans and lodged the relevant Council approvals myself.
The project has started late. The contractors claim I gave them directions for the wrong site. They also say that under the terms of the contract I was to supply the light and heat. To save time I've provided a temporary gaseous fireball. However, this was not in my budget so we've cut a few corners. Earth will now be round rather than square. The architect says it will now not age so badly because of the smoother form, or something like that.
Day 2:
Marine engineers are experiencing difficulties. I have over-ordered on water based on the original consultant's advice. The supplier has delivered the whole order and has left for another universe to make another delivery. Won't be back this way for light years. We'll now have to dig deeper ocean channels and heap displaced soil on the landmasses that I originally planned to create flat. I hate to think of the future transport problems that I would be creating!
Unfortunately Atlantis may one day go underwater due to it's positioning. To cap it off, now the landscape gardeners will not have enough greenery to go around. I want the mountains well covered so they don't look like a mistake, but now I've created deserts. Sheesh! When the profits start coming in I'll get back to it.
Day 3:
Now we are well behind and the early problems have already taken half my budget. We start work on the sun, moon and stars. Again corners were cut to trim costs and safety items were the first to go. Many lives lost building the sun as the permanent heat and light source as temporary gaseous fireball too volatile to extended use. The contractor said he is going to sue the pants off me. I said, "go ahead, I don't wear pants, just robes!" That's got him thinking.
Couldn't afford all the stars I wanted so we've gone for a couple of what the sales guys called "black holes". Don't know much about them but they were a bargain.
Not happy with the moon. Looks like it's made of cheese for my sake! I wanted a more classic look. I only know what they were thinking.

A Lawyer's question

2009-03-05T06:50:00.001-08:00

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Clara, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Atty. Perez. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Clara, do you know the defense counsel?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Atty. San Juan since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire province. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both attorneys to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

An Unspeakable Imbecile

2009-02-25T08:44:00.000-08:00

A Judge said to a Convicted Assassin:

"Prisoner at the bar, have you anything to say why the death- sentence should not be passed upon you?"
"Will what I say make any difference?" asked the Convicted Assassin.
"I do not see how it can," the Judge answered, reflectively. "No, it will not."
"Then," said the doomed one, "I should just like to remark that you are the most unspeakable old imbecile in the entire judiciary."

Why Women Should No Flirt

2009-02-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he behaved when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he washer husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.”

I must not think stupid thoughts

2009-02-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

by:Siva Choy

Every schoolboy knows the story of how an apple fell on Isaac Newton's head and got him thinking seriously about gravity.
When I first read the story, I thought that explained why my schoolteacher Mr See knocked me on the head a lot, sometimes with his knuckles and occasionally with a steel ruler.
Maybe he thought it might provoke some inspired ideas.
I am convinced now that hard knocks to the head don't stimulate genius, because if they did, heavyweight boxers should have outclassed Einstein and Bill Gates in logic.
Also, I discovered that the whole story about Newton being hit on the head by an apple wasn't true.
He merely saw an apple fall from a tree, and that prompted him to ask why it fell rather than floated around or drifted upwards.
If Newton has been my classmate and asked Mr See all those questions, I am sure he would have earned several hard knocks on the head and the comment: "The apple fall because it is ripe, you stupid donkey! And the reason it fall is because it goes down - it cannot fall up because that is bad English.
"Anyway, what are you doing loafing under a tree when you should be studying?
"And why are you making up all these stupid stories? Because we all know there are no apple trees in Singapore.
"Write one hundred lines and pass up before you go home - 'I must not think stupid thoughts.'".
I don't think it occured to Mr See that most of the world's geniuses probably got their ideas while they were trying NOT to think.
Archimedes was relaxing in his bath when he figure out his theory about displacement.
He got so excited he ran out into the streets without his clothes on, shouting "Eureka!"
It was just as well that Mr See (in one of his earlier reincarnations as a Greek policeman) hadn't been around, because he would have booked Archimides for indecent exposure.
Steam power, which revolutionsed manaufacturing and transport, came about because James Watt, who had nothing better to do at breakfast, wondered why the lid on a boiling teapot was bobbing up and down.
If Mr See has been present (in another of his later reincarnations as James Watt's father), he would have said: "The lid is jumping because the water is boiling, so why aren't you brewing the tea?
"You think this is a hotel, and me and your mother got to do everything, is it?"
I shudder to think what would have happened to Leonardo Da Vinci if Mr See has been his teacher.
"Leonardo, why are you wasting your time painting portraits?
"Your technical drawings are good and you should concentrate on interior design because there's big money in renovation nowadays.
"Besides, you are in the science stream, not arts.
"Fair enough, if you want to paint as a hobby, OK. But at least paint rich women, because they can really pay.
"Why are you wasting time with common people like this... this... Mona Lisa. Who is she, anyway? Your maid from Surabaya, is it?"
One of the reasons Galileo was convinced that the world was round was that ships appearing over the horizon emerged with their mast showing first, and then gradually the rest of the vessel.
Now, you can't make observations like that unless you're prepared to make sacrifices - like staking out on a Mediterranean beach sunset after sunset, with plenty of spaghetti marinara and crates of Chianti.
Mr See wouldn't have understood that.
Maybe that's why, after an aborted attempt at selling real estate, he went back to teaching, then into insurance, then back into teaching, and then into retirement.
Now he has all the time to make tea, relax in a bath, paint, wait for mangoes to fall from his tree, plan renovations to the home, and watch all the sunsets he wants.
He also has all the time in the world to drdream, but his only difficulty will be finding the right book which tells him,how it can be done.

Daily dose of wisdom

2009-02-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

** It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
** Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
** The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
** It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
** You can't have everything, where would you put it?
** Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
** If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
** The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
** Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
** Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
** As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
** A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
** It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
** Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
** I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
** I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
** Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Men's Language

2009-01-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Message: when i dont call you
[ Its because i don't have load]

When i walk away from you mad
[ I'm angry, very angry ]

When i stare at your mouth
[ Duna na'y momho ]

When i push you or hit you
[ I'm inflicting injuries ]

When i'm quiet
[ I'm not talking ]

When i pull away
[ Push me near ]

When you see me at my worst
[ Wait til you see my best ]

When you see me start crying
[ Give me a damn hanky! ]

When you see me walking
[ I'm going somewhere ]

When i'm scared
[ I probably am ]

When i lay my head on your shoulder
[ I'm sleepy and you stop nagging ]

When i tease you
[ Tease me back and let the next thing follow ]

When i dont answer for a long time
[ I'm in a meeting ]

When i look at you with doubt
[ I am doubtful ]

When i say that i like you
[ I really do ]

When i bump into you
[ don't bump back ]

When i tell you a secret
[ it's really a secret ]

When i look at you in your eyes
[ duna kay muta ]

When i miss you
[ i really do ]

When i say its over
[ its really over ]

Better than a Flu Shot!

2009-01-16T06:42:00.001-08:00

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

was in her eighties

and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness

and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

the young minister

noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

with tea and scones,

they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through

the park a few months ago

and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Password not long enough . . .

2009-01-09T20:00:00.000-08:00

PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...

P...

E...

N...

I...

S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH !!!

Tagalog jokes on DNA

2009-01-05T19:44:00.001-08:00

KNOW YOUR DNA

DNA is a nucleic acid that is localized in cell nucleus and consists of two long chains of nucleotides twisted together into a double helix and joined by hydrogen bonds between complementary bases adenine and thymine or cytosine and guanine.

It carries the cell's genetic information and hereditary characteristics via the equence of its nucleotides.

Thus, people are identified by their unique DNAs, such as:

Prostitute:
DNAvirgin

Old Maid:
DNAgamit

Bachelor:
DNAkasal

Arab:

DNAgaahit

Insomniac:
DNAmakatulog

Constipation:
DNAkakatae

Water Conservationist:
DNAliligo

Bin Laden:

DNAhanap at DNAhuli

Gloria Macapagal Arroyo:

DNAaamin.

Town Fiesta:
DNAyo

Loser:

DNAya

Uncircumcised:
DNAtuli

Bisexual:
DNAmauri

Pandak:
DNAtumangkad

DNAtawa kayo? Kung di kayo natawa, DNAkayo uling papadalhan ng ganitong klaseng Pinoy joke

O eh 'di s'ya. . . DNA ako magtatagal

Pang alis sa stress

2008-12-20T18:43:00.000-08:00

>>>>>Subject: PANG-ALIS STRESS
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Bobo: Pare, hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A.
>>>>>Pare: Approachable?
>>>>>Bobo: Mali .
>>>>>Pare: Amiable?
>>>>>Bobo: Mali pa rin!
>>>>>Pare: O sige, sirit na nga!
>>>>>Bobo: Anest.
>>>>>
>>>>>Policeman arresting a prostitute...
>>>>>
>>>>>Prosti: Aba , I am not selling sex!
>>>>>Police: Then what are you doing?
>>>>>Prosti: I'm a saleswoman selling condoms with free demo.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
>>>>>Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
>>>>>chicharon, mani.
>>>>>Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka-- Boy Bawang (cornik).
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Tindero: Bili na po kayo gatas ng baka. Sampung piso lang isang baso.
>>>>>Manong: Ang mahal naman! Wala bang tig-pipiso lang nyan?
>>>>>Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dedede sa baka....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na
>>>>>utak ko!
>>>>>Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open-minded.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>A naked girl takes a taxi...
>>>>>
>>>>>Naked Girl: "Bakit ka nakatitig sa katawan ko, ngayon ka lang ba
>>>>>nakakita ng hubad?"
>>>>>Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago ang
>>>>>pamasahe mo!"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Beauty contest
>>>>>Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
>>>>>Contestant: Drugs.
>>>>>Emcee: Very good! Why do you say that?
>>>>>Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Amo: Bakit ka umiiyak?
>>>>>Katulong: Sabi po ni dok, tatanggalan daw po ako ng butlig!
>>>>>Amo: Butlig lang eh iiyak ka na...
>>>>>Katulong: Ok lang po sana kung right lig or left lig..... pero bakit
>>>>>naman butligs pa! hu hu hu....
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Doc: Ano ang trabaho mo, iha?
>>>>>Girl: Substitute po.
>>>>>Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
>>>>>Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute, at kung may sakit po siya,
>>>>>ako po yung substitute.. ..
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Doc: For your health, take only a cup of rice, lean meat and a cup of
>>>>>kangkong, fruits for dessert and lots of juice....
>>>>>Fat guy: Doc, shall I take them before or after meals?
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Kodigo
>>>>>
>>>>>Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
>>>>>Guro: Ano 'to?
>>>>>Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
>>>>>Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
>>>>>Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>SIOPAO
>>>>>
>>>>>Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao... 'yung babae.
>>>>>Waitress: Babaeng siopao po?
>>>>>Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin. Kumbaga, napkin.
>>>>>Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki lang po ang nandito.
>>>>>Kulas: Lalaki?
>>>>>Waitress: Kasi po, may itlog sa loob.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?
>>>>>The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po. NITRATES are higher
>>>>>than day rates!"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>PURO KA TAWA ...OKAY,,, BALIK SA TRABAHO!!!!! l
>>>>>P Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>

Another round of Visayan Jokes

2008-12-15T18:40:00.001-08:00

Anak: Tay, hain akon grief?
Tatay: kaw bata ka, dili ka gihapon kabalo. Brief lagi dili grief.
Anal: Aw, hain man tay?
Tatay: tua sa kwarto. Gi hammer!

Mare1: ka swerti nmo mare oi. Mga gwapo ug gwapa jud imong mga anak.
Mare2: Nah mare, naningkamot kud kog akoa. Kay ug mag salig ko sa akong bana, ay ambot nalang unsay hitsura!

Ilaga nga manyak. Kita ug baka, gijer2x. Kita ug kanding, gijer2x. Kita ug manok, gijer2x. Kita ug baboy, gijer2x lang gihapon. Then kit-an xa sa iring nga nag-baig-id- bag-id xa sa yuta.
Iring: dah tagam ka lagi manyaka ka. Gikatlan ka noon!
Ilaga: ayaw saba jer2x ko hulmigas.

Original version: 'Do not do unto others, if you don’t want other do unto you.'
Bisaya version: 'Ayaw mo pag ingun ana, kung mag ingun ana mo ayaw.'

Nagsulat si Dako sa iyang tatay:
Dear tatay,
Padad-e mi ug usa ka kilong bugas ug usa ka dosenang itlog.
Imong anak,
Dako
Si Dako nigawas, unya mi sud si Gamay. Nagisi ni Gamay ang sulat! Gi tipan nila ang sulat. Unya gi-mail dayon.
Pagbasa sa ilang tatay:
Dear bugas,
Padad-e mi ug usa ka kilong tatay ug usa ka dosenang anak.
Imong itlog,
Dako

Patient: Doc, regular lagi ko malibang kada alas 7 sa buntag.
Doc: o di maau nuon! Unsay problema ana?
Patient: Alas 8 man ko mahigmata doc!

Si tarzan gipangutana sa tv reporter.
TV reporter: Oi tarzan, gi unsa nimo pagtukod imong balay sa sa ibabaw sa kahoy?
Tarzan: ambot sir, kay nag board rman ko diha!

Why I fired my secretary

2008-12-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

"Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.... On the couch... Naked." - (From a friendster Bulletin)

The Wayside Chapel (W.C)

2008-11-30T21:52:00.001-08:00

An English schoolteacher was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommended any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel." The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely, The Schoolmaster

[ Author Unknown -- from PCD, via 'Good Clean Funnies List' (gcfl-info@gcfl.net) ]